Chitika

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge.
You cannot fly like an eagle with the wings of a wren.
Lesson of the Day !!!

There is a crowd. One Man was looking sad has been crying for long. A old man sat near that person and he cracked a joke.
All laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He cracked the same joke again and again, When there was no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said

"When u can't laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do u keep crying over the same thing over and over again".

JOKE OF THE DAY !!!

Ram and Shyam are employed in a computer hardware store as movers. One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Ram being energetic that day does not feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Shyam is struggling very hard to lift his computer.
At this Ram says, "What Shyam, my computer has 500 MB Hard Disk yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it?"
At this Shyam thinks for a while and replies "That is right, but my HD is full and yours is empty."


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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle.
Think of yourself as attractive. No one has the right to judge how you look but you, and if you decide to be good-looking, then that is what you will portray and that is what you will be!

Jokes of the Day !!!

A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department. A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have duly received the portraits of the six miscreants. I have arrested five of them, and the sixth will be secured shortly."

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We sell greeting cards at my drugstore. A young woman handed me one to ring up. It read "To the one and only man in my life." Then she handed me a second card -- with the same message.

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Saturday, September 17, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
When you are kind to someone in trouble, you hope they'll remember and be kind to someone else. And it'll become like a wildfire.
There is an alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness.

Jokes of the Day !!!

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheets of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written." The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

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Some Somalians open fire on an oil tanker, take hostage the 25 crew and hijack the vessel carrying $100million of oil ... I 'borrow' some music, TV and films from the internet and they want to sue me for piracy?
This world is messed up.

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.
Say all you have to say in the fewest possible words, or your reader will be sure to skip them; and in the plainest possible words or he will certainly misunderstand them.

Jokes of the Day !!!

I arrived home from work to find all the windows and doors wide open.
Apparently our puppy had had an accident.

"Yeah, it really stank," my daughter told me. "In fact, when we first
walked in, I thought you had come home early and were cooking dinner."

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Indian Wives come from sophisticated culture of historic proportion.

They do not call their husbands in front of everyone 'Abey Gadhe".

They call them sweetly in public in abbreviated address "A.G. sunte ho?


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Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
Every man who accomplishes things sees first in his mind what he wishes to do. He puts away all doubt. It makes no difference how small or how large the thing you want to do may be; if you have an unlimited confidence in your ability to do it, you will do it.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
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JOKES OF THE DAY !!!!
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Santa finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he s in serious financial trouble. He is so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray...
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I have lost my business and if I do not get some money, I am going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Santa goes back to the temple...
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I have lost my business, my house and I am going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Santa still has no luck!! Back to the temple...
"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I have lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I do not often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ?".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Santa is confronted by the voice of Lord:
"SANTA, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".


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Mike and Pat went hunting.
Mike saw a large goose fly by.
He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered.
'The rifle is not loaded.' 'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back.
'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

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Saturday, September 10, 2011

Employee ki biwi boli...

A true Fact of Life :

Beemar Employee se uski biwi boli - Iss bar koi janwaro ke doctor ko dikhao tabhi aap theek hoge…

Pati - Woh kyon ?

Biwi - Roz Subah Murge ki tarah jaldi uthh jate ho...

Ghode ki tarah bhag ke office chale jate ho...

Gadhe ki tarah dinbhar kaam karte ho...

Lomdi ki tarah idhar-udhar se information batorkar Report banate ho...

Bandar ki tarah boss ke ishare par nachte ho...

Ghar aakar pariwar per kutte ki tarah chillate ho, aur fir Bhainse ki tarah so jate ho.

Insaano ka doctor tumhe kya khakh thik kar payega..!!

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IITian and Rickshaw-wala...

This is a very interesting anecdote, which i came across a few days back.. hope you like this as much~!

There were two rickshaw-walas vying for our business, when we wanted to go to Sankat-Mochan temple in Benaras. I agreed to go with the one, who was about 20 years of age, seemed like a regular young rickshaw-wala, but I found something interesting about him. I was not proved wrong.
He wanted Rs 50, we said Rs 30. We settled for Rs 40.
Here are the highlights of the conversation that ensued, while we rode the rickshaw:
"Aap kahan se aaye hain?"
"Delhi."
"Bijness, ya kaam karte hain?"
"Naukri karte hain."
"Kismein?"
"Internet mein."
"Humara bhi kuch wahin kaam lagwa dijiye."
I just chuckled.
"Main try kar raha hoon engineering padhne kee. Achchi naukri lag jaayegi tab."
"Achcha?" I asked a little interested.
"Haan, delhi mein Guru Gobind Singh Indraprashta University mein engineering ke liye apply kiya hai. Achchi hai woh university."
"Haan, achchi hai", I agreed.
"Haan, kal hee maine JEE bhi diya."
"JEE matlab, IIT ka?"
"Haan, Joint Entrance Examination" he pronounced it perfectly.Just to make it clear to me what JEE stood for. "Mushkil hota hai exam."
"Haan, 2 saal toh log padhte hee hain uske liye, asaan nahin hai."
"Delhi mein Akaash coaching institute hain na?"
"Haan, hai."
"Aapne kya padhai kee?"
"Main engineer hoon, aur phir MBA bhi kiya."
"Kahan se engineer?"
"IIT Delhi se."
He swung back, surprised, a little delighted, and smiled. "Ok,
aapke liye Rs 30."
Swati and I laughed.
Swati asked "Padhai kab karte they IIT ke liye?"
"Bas, rickshaw chalaane ke baad raat mein". Then he added
"Kismein engineering kee aapne?"
"Chemical."
"Toh aapki Chemistry toh badi strong hogi."
"Nahin, aisa nahin hai."
He continued "Yeh bataiye....jab Mendeleev ne Periodic Table banaya tha tab kitne elements they usmein?"
Now it was my turn to get surprised. He was quizzing me. I said "Shayad 70-80."
"No, 63" he said sharply. "Kaunse element kee electronegativity highest hai?"
Swati was laughing, and I didnt try too hard and said "Pata nahin."
"Flourine", he said confidently. Without a break he asked,"Kaunse element kee electron affinity highest hoti hai?"
Now I was laughing too and said "Nahin pata"
"Chlorine. toh aapka kaunsa subject strong tha?" clearly having proven that my chemistry wasn't a strong point.
"Physics", I said.
"Achha, Newton's second law of motion kya hai?"
I thought I knew this one. "F=ma", I said.
"Physics is not about formula, it is understanding concept!", he reprimanded me in near perfect English. "Tell me in statement"
I was shocked. Swati continued to laugh.
I said "ok, Newtons second law, er....was...."
" 'Was' nahin, 'is'!Second law abhi bhi hai!" he snapped at my use of 'was'.
Surely, my physics wasn't impressing him either. "Yaad nahin, I said"
"Force on an object is directly proportional to the mass of the object and the acceleration of the object", he said it in near perfect
English. "Aapne M.Tech nahin kiya?"
"Nahin, MBA kiya"
"MBA waale toh sirf paisa kamana chahte hain, kaam nahin karte."
"Nahin, aisa nahin hai, paisa kamaane ke liye kaam karna padta hai." Didn't think too highly of me apparently anymore.
In a minute we reached our destination. We got off and I told
him that he must and should definitely study more, and that I thought he was sharp as hell. He took only Rs 30, smiled and began to leave. I got my camera out and said "Raju, ek photo leta hoon tumhari". He waved me off, dismissed the idea and rode off before I could say anything more....leaving me feeling high and dry like a spurned lover.
Damn, what a ride that was! India is changing, and changing fast.
And so it goes !!!!!

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Friday, September 09, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
To love another person is to see the face of God
The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority
Jokes of the Day !!!

Santa is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. I am only following the instructions - Answer in brief.

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Shopper:—"Are these eggs fresh?"
Apprentice:—"Yes, ma'am, they be."
Shopper:—"How long since they were laid?"
Apprentice:—"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am—I know, I laid them eggs there myself."

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Thursday, September 08, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!

The secret of greatness is simple: do better work than any other man in your field - and keep on doing it.
Be yourself! Get over jealousy and comparisons to others.
 Story and learning of the Day !!!

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS ...HAPPENS FOR THE GOOD ....HAVE FAITH....
HE/SHE/GOD OR WHATEVER WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN OTHERWISE...READ ON..

Hope you like this story, it has some good reflections!!

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life,
Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday. " Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me? "

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago, " Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it, " Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in, " Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life, " she said

"He's the one who taught me carpentry, " he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral, " Jack
said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack? " his Mom asked.

"The box is gone, " he said

"What box? " Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,' " Jack said.

It was gone.. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him, " Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom. "

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package.. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days, " the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention.. "Mr.
Harold Belser " it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents toJack Bennett.
It's the thing I valued most in my life. " A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:

"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser. "

"The thing he valued most was....my time "

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why? " Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son, " he said.

"Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time! "

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away, "

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

 1.At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
 2.At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
 3.A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
 4.Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
 5.You mean the world to someone.
 6.If not for you, someone may not be living.
 7.You are special and unique.
 8.When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
 9.When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
 10.When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
 11.Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
 12.Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
 13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
 14.If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

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Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with the important matters.
 What I know for sure is that what you give comes back to you.

Jokes of the Day !!!
Teacher - Where is LOVE born?
Boy - Probably in CHINA.
Teacher - Why?
Boy - Because anything MADE IN CHINA has NO Warranty and NO Guarantee.
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An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer,
"where do you expect to be ten years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

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Tuesday, September 06, 2011

THE SECOND CHANCE

It was 25th January 2008. Neeta was waiting for her husband Akshaye. It was their marriage anniversary. Things had changed since their marriage. From cute couple they turned into a fighting one. They quarreled everyday on every small thing. Neeta gave up thinking that Akshaye must have forgotten their anniversary and surely won't be back home on time. 

Akshaye too didn't like how the things were going. She was so loving, so caring before marriage how everything got changed so radically. Yet they still love each other. 

It was 4:00 p.m. The bell rang. Neeta was surprisingly happy… Akshaye finally remembered… She ran to open the door. Indeed Akshaye was standing outside. He was smiling and had a bunch of flowers at his hand. The two then started reliving their beautiful days, making up for their quarrels. There was champagne, light music and it was raining a little outside.. Overall the weather too seemed to get romantic along with them. 

But the moment came to a slight pause.. The phone in the bedroom was ringing.. Quite agitated Neeta went to pick up the phone. It was a man on the other side..." Hello madam I am calling from the police station. Is it Mr Akshaye Malhotra's number???" 

"Yeah, it is" 

There was an accident and a Man. died. We got your number from the man's purse.We need you to come here and identify the body.." 

Neeta's heart sank. "Whhhhaaat?? B-but my husband is here with me?" 

"Sorry madam the accident took place at 3:00 p.m when the man was trying to board a bus". 

Neeta was about to lose her senses. How could this happen? She knew this type of things. She had heard about this. The soul of the person comes to meet you before it parts..She ran to the drawing room.. Akshaye was not there… It is true? Has something that bad really happened to Akshaye??? Has he left her forever??Oh God…had she been given another chance …she would have mended all her faults… She rolled down on the floor awe struck. 

Suddenly there was noise from the bathroom.. Akshaye came out …" I forgot to tell u dear my purse was stolen while I was returning home…" 

Live, Laugh, Love, Forget, Forgive
Its never too late to say..." I am sorry "...." I love you"..."I care for you"......."You are my best frend"...... Life might not give u a second chance…..So never waste a moment when u can make up for your deeds. So appreciate what you have and make best of it...... !!!!!

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
If you ask what is the single most important key to happiness and peace, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
All men have a sweetness in their life. That is what helps them go on. It is towards that they turn when they feel too worn out.
Story of the Day !!!

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner... who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his room mate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar.
You don't suppose she took it, do you? "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :
Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,
Mom.

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Monday, September 05, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
We do not keep the outward form of order, where there is deep disorder in the mind.
We must preserve our right to think and differ.
Jokes of the Day !!!
Old Man goes to the doctor complaining of hearing loss.
The doctor examines him and says he wants to fix the fellow with a new hearing aid. This is the finest hearing aid now being manufactured. I wear one myself, says the doctor.
What kind is it? Asks the old man.
About half past four!
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"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"
"I believe so, my son," said the father.
"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?"

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Friday, September 02, 2011

Jokes and Quotes for Today !!!

Quotes of the Day !!!
We cannot deny the facts of nature, but we should certainly try to improve on them.
Creativity is...seeing something that doesn't exist already.You need to find out how you can bring it into being and that way be a playmate with God.
Jokes of the Day !!!

The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine:

Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!

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What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane!

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SHE—"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away."
HE—"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away."

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HAPPY GANESH CHATURTHI !!!

HAPPY GANESH CHATURTHI !!!

May Lord Ganesh remove all problems and sorrows & give happiness and prosperity to you, your family and friends
NAMO GANESHA VIGHNESHA GIRIJA NANDAN PRABHU MAMA VIGHNA VINASHAYA GANADHIPATAYE NAMAHA
Drawn By : Sambhuram Patnaik

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